The EZ News

Fear not my faithful yet non-existant reader, your ole boy Ethan has returned. I never made an appearence during the entire months of January and February (you know I love how the second month of the year is also the only month with 2 R's). So why break my silence? Why return now on this day at this junction in my life? What is there to juxtapose it against the previous two months of no entries.

Well lets see. Hmm... why is that? Oh yeah I remember now. Its because today was probably one of the most personally gratifying days I've ever had. Yeah thats kind of a shocking statement isn't it. All these years all the things I do and today is the day that seems to make it all seem grand, and that much more worthwhile. Today I found a reason and a satisfaction in all the things that I do that I haven't found previously. I was proud, happy, excited, and I found a level of accomplishment in life that I never achieved in my years of mastering classes, raping tests, and getting good grades.

So what happened?

Since nearly the beginning of the semester I've been working with some of the UF football players who have decided to turn pro this year and try their luck in the NFL Draft April 29th and 30th. I started with just two, a couple of local guys who went to high school in Gainesville and were fortunate enough to take their skills to their hometown university, Vernell Brown and Jarvis Herring. Vernell had been the face of Florida football this year, a short 5'6 player who weighs in at about 160 pounds, but his heart probably weighs another 160 pounds. During the season it was always a joke of mine to pick on Vernell some as a heckling fan. Its easy to single out the little guy on the football field. However as the season went on I grew to be a big fan of Vernell. By the end I was scream, "Take the Heisman back from Reggie and give it to Vernell!" I also felt that he had become the best defensive back on our team. An ankle break forced him out of a number of games, games that got way to close or that we lost. Jarvis was his buddy from high school and a safety on the team. I knew the name but I wasn't very familiar with him as a player. Who pays attention to the safeties?

The head strength and conditioning coach here at UF brought them down to coach Holloway for help running the 40 yard dash, and I soon found myself working with them. I thaught them drills and then coach Holloway got them started in the system. As the days went on though coach Holloway stopped coming down to work with them. After the first week they were basically all mine except for the occasional direction as to what the workout for the day should be or an observation on a technique.

Eventually I started adding more people to my group. Three offensive linemen started coming out. Tevares Washington, Lance Butler, and Randy Hand. It was funny working with 3 guys over 6'4 tall and 300 pounds in weight. I always felt like the small tree in the forest. Then Dee Webb decided to leave the people who were training him in Miami and come back up. He was on the track team the year before and already knew much of what we teach. Then Todd McCullough the line backer started coming out right after having surgery to remove part of the meniscus in his knee. He really wasn't cabable of much at first and I had to get creative with teaching him to have his body do things correctly. Last I added in a couple of former UF football players, Tre Orr and Zeph Augustine, who wanted to give it a shot.

And so today was the pinacle of all our hard work. The day that all the scouts showed up to "The Swamp" to see just what these prospects had, and damnit if we didn't show up and give them all we had.

Vernell having the first last name in alphabetical order had to go first in everything. He got out there and did his thing, got the ball rolling in the direction of success. From there it was just great times and good runs. I was there giving some feedback after the first run so that they could go out the second run and try to improve.

The times aren't ever given out as anything definitive. Basically every scout times and then they get together afterwards and compare times. So the following results are some of the best times we saw or heard.

Vernell 4.38
Dee 4.32
Jarvis 4.67
Tre 4.54
Tevares 5.13
Lance 5.27
Randy 4.98
Zeph 4.59

I found some stuff on NFL.com that showed much different times but like I said sometimes they vary across the board. Haha either that or I just want to believe that they all did really well, because its making me feel pretty dang good about myself and what I did.

Oh its two o'clock in the morning
after a night of heart felt exploring
I didn't get to where I wanted to be
But in the end I knew thats the way it would be
Feeling like the night was so grand
as it ticked by on the clock's hour hand
Up and down, left and right, but never there
looking for a circle but found a square
would have been pleased in a love triangle
some crazy drama to deal with and unentangle
But thats not the way my life ever works out
through this string of present and lasting doubt
gonna make it, gonna do it, gonna find a way
until tomorrow brings another chance, another day

I was running by one of the dorms a friend of mine lived in the summer before her first fall where she lived in a different dorm. After that spring she moved back to that original dorm of the summer stating, "I was happy there." Today it occured to me...


Don't put the happiness in your life on the place you were at that time. Instead put the happiness on the person who was happy, yourself. You do not need a place to be happy, you can just be happy.

This past weekend I had the opportunity to partake in my first ever road trip to a Gator Football away game. Friday after I got off of work 4 guys I know and myself piled into my car and began our trek to Baton Rouge, the home of the LSU Tigers, for an SEC conference game of unparalleled importance for both teams.

After an interesting night of driving to Baton Rouge and arriving at 4 AM EST and then sleeping with 5 people in the car we ventured out onto the campus in an attempt to find more gator fans. Hopefully we would encounter some rich tailgaiting UF alumni who would wish to share their bounty with us. In the first while of searching our journey produced little more fruition than a random gator fan here or there suffering the same verbal assault of "Tiger Bait" (another great UF cheer "Gator Bait" that every other school in the SEC has stolen and attempted to use for their own against us because they can not think of anything creative). Then to my surprise some LSU fan comes up and starts a friendly conversation with us. The chap was quite likable and we told him of our quest. He said he had shared shots with some Gator fans earlier in the day and that he would lead us to where he and his friends had been tailgating.

When we reached his mythical promised land we were met with open arms by 10 of our LSU peers. The instantly shared with us the glory of "The Dehydrator," a three hose funnel with a water cooler jug instead of a funnel at the top. I said, "I'll do one, I'll do one." and it turned out to be a decision of illustrious wealth. We soon were partaking in their keg, their jager, their conversation, their lawn games. Everything except for their women. A little challenging broke out between us Gators and our Tiger hosts which lead to me talking one of my fellow gators into doing a keg stand. Just as we hoisted him up over the keg 2 Louisianna cops showed up. No one hesitated and we began the glory that is a keg stand. I was the counter and my counting could be heard all across the land. One of the cops who was not 5 feet away watching says, "If he doesn't get to 20 he's a pussy." I had a hitch in my counting, but my friend did not flinch. I slowly counted my way past 20 to 21 where my friend stopped. The cops pleased the got to witness the event went about their way ensuring the peace of all fans.

After some healthy drinking one of our LSU friends made a comment about my Swamp Things t-shirt that I was wearing. He felt that Louisianna was more of a swamp than Florida was. I came back with the greatest defense ever siting the movie Waterboy. I told him the movie was filmed in Florida and passed off easily as the not as swampy Louisianna. This turned the conversation in a new direction, all out trash talking. Things got heated. My voice could be heard for miles around, and all who could hear heeded my words as I preached the power of the great Gator Nation. My obnoxiousness reached unprecidented heights as the LSU fans tried to find a break in my ubreakable logic. Then to my dismay I felt my feet leave contact with the ground. For a breif moment I thought that maybe my righteousness was so great that I had broken the bounds of existence and finally achieved the ability to fly. However, my mind quickly grasped the fact that hands had a hold of me and were drawing me towards a trash can. I twisted in their grip and crashed back to earth. I was grabbed again and brought right up to the trash can which I cleverly pushed over thwarting their attempt to toss me in. I proclaimed to them, "You see I go to UF and am clearly much smarter than your LSU education has prepared you for." Brains frequently can best brawns, but their comes a time when there is just too much brawn for even the greatest brains to tip the scale back into their favor. I found myself on the ground one hand clenched around the ankle of an LSU fan the other performing an amazing balancing act with my beer, attempting to not let a drop spill forth from it. Eventually though the beer was knocked asunder from my hand and with it went my god like strength. Having had my strength robbed from me I was powerless to stop them from lifting me into the air again. Yet even without my great strength I was still powerful enough to put their weakness on display to all who would witness their attempts. Eventually I was outnumbered and could not prolong the inevitable of my trip into the trash can. I scurried out, jumped to my feet and laughed the event off. One of their women folk came over and began talking to me. It wasn't long before I found myself being knocked over backwards again into the trash can. I got back up looked for my spilled beer cup, found it laying on the ground in all its glory, refilled it gave some LSU fans props for besting me and continued to drink my fill with them. They might have been able to toss me into the trash but I was ensured that at the days end they would have suffered much greater humiliation at the hands of my Gators.

Pictures

In the end the Gators lost. I did my part but they couldn't hold up their end of the bargain.

This post will have pushed my post Rules to live by off the page, and so I figured that there is no time like the present to end the suspense and elaborate on the oh so important three rules of life and relationships.

Rule #1: Never bet on a horse with a hard on

If you're at the horse track and you see a horse walking around before the start with a hard on are you going to put all you money down on that horse? No you aren't. In life people make this mistake all the time. Look around at the guys around you, its easily to tell which ones have the metaphorical hard ons. The guys so consumed in how they look, or how bad ass they are. The guys trying to get with all the girls acting like big sleeze balls. The guys who are always in the gym who are complete meatheads. These are the guys you don't want to bet your money on. These are the guys you don't want to be your boys because when you bet the house on them they're going to leave you broke. Ladies these are the guys you don't want to get into relationships with because when you climb on that horse's back you're in for the ride of your life from which you'll ultimately get bucked off. Oh but you'll make the bet anyway, you will, and just watch you'll learn your lesson and be like damn I should have followed rule number one. Then you'll turn around and make the mistake again because if you're willing to bet on a horse with a hard on once you're always willing to make that bet.

Rule #2 A man with a hard on is 90% stupid

Every guy has experience this at some point, and ladies you've probably fallen for it a couple times yourself. Here's the best example... A guy and a girl are making out, its getting pretty hot and heavy and all that. In a brief pause the guy utters, "I love you." In this situation they should both just stop and laugh because they know it isn't true because damnit thats the cock talking right there. Its sucked up all the blood from his brain leaving him 90% stupid and he has no ability to stop his cock from talking. That cock is all screaming, "I love it! I love it! I love her! Let her know man, let her know! Dude tell her!" Yeah you say no to that when you're 90% stupid already. But once he's said it she's going to believe it and then she's going to hold him to it. From then on he's dragging ass knowing he screwed up, she thinks he's serious but he isn't, it was actually only his little friend that was serious. So then they both end up bullshiting eachother forever until shit really hits the fan. Think of those guys mentioned in rule #1 too, just how smart are they? So guys be aware of rule #2 next time, no wait check that, Every Time and save both you and her the pain. Ladies you take note too and just laugh at him next time.

Rule #3: Never underestimate the power of the bootie

I haven't figured it out yet. How come women haven't figured this one out yet? I mean they have but really they haven't. This rule is alluding to the fact that because females have the bootie that they're in control because every man wants it. The best example possible... How many times have you ever heard of a man making his wife sleep on the couch. You Haven't! Guys don't have that kind of power! Men can only try to hold some semblence of power in a relationship. Generally all a guy can do is listen for his name. Here's another example... If the female in a relationship blows up on the guy in the relationship then he's just supposed to take it, but if he blows up on her just the same then she starts questioning the relationship and everything. Never underestimate that power gentlement, never! Ladies, come on give us a break every now and then. Please? No? As you wish.

So there you go everyone. You've been warned.

Today was kind of interesting. A girl came up to me and wanted to go on a date with me... Well she actually just wanted to know where the new physics building was, but I could tell this conversation was going in the date direction. So anyway this girl says to me, "Hey Ethan!" Actually she didn't really know my name was Ethan, but I would have told her my name if she asked. Anyway there she was all, "Excuse me do you know where the new physics building is?" Actually I'm just paraphrasing, so that may not be exactly what she said, but it went something like that. So, meanwhile I had no idea what to do! Should I tell her where the new physics building is and risk the chance of never seeing her again, or should I tell her that the new physics building is actually my house because I'm the best looking best physics doing mother F'er in the world, and that it's really weird she was asking ME of all people on campus where my house is!? Now my heart is pounding at an ungodly pace, my hands are shaking and my back is just drenched in a nervous sweat. I start crying... I mean tears are rolling down my cheeks, my chin, my neck, my chest, flowing into my mouth, well no tears actually got into my mouth, but I bet some were real close. So after about ten minutes of complete silence, excluding my sobs, I says to her, I says, "Miss I like you" I guess I didn't actually say that, but I would have if I weren't in such a sensitive place at the time. What I did do was point to the big building right down the street and say, "It's right there...idiot." And so ended that wonderful moment where I met my life partner. So if you're reading this and you're thinking, "That was me!" Please leave a comment and I'll take you out for a nice steak dinner, which I won't eat because I'm a vegetarian, but it'll be fun to watch someone else enjoy themself.